Saturday, November 8, 2008

Breast is Worst

I've been making a little list of things I'd like to take up with God if/when I ever get the chance. Nothing major, just things I wonder about. Such as, why do some people wear jeans, long sleeves, and flip-flops? Why are yellow traffic lights so short? And why do we still care about Jessica Simpson?

And I also think that breast feeding should make your boobs look better, not worse. Am I right, ladies?

Seriously. Having a baby is a big deal - you turn your body over to science for nine months, get stretch marks and a stubbornly permanent tummy pooch, and spend the next year convincing yourself that everyone wears maternity clothes full-time and the scent of spit-up mixed with pureed peas is all the rage in Paris. It's really a small favor to ask that at least we don't suffer the insult of our boobs looking like, well, how they do. At least my husband can sleep well at night knowing that exotic dancing will never be a viable fall-back career for me.

Let me just say that I'm a proponent of breast feeding. Formula has come a long way, but I just think that if you can pull it off, breast feeding is the way to go. I did it, and, in theory, I'll do it again. I just wouldn't say no to a few perks along the way. It's the least He could do. On the list of Woman 2.0 upgrades, anti-gravity boobs would be a nice enhancement.

Granted, there are some women who return from the maternity wing of the hospital looking as if their pregnancies had been some elaborate ruse and they actually just pulled a basketball out from beneath their shirts and said, "gotcha!" These are probably the same women who run marathons on the weekends and and claim that they sometimes "forget to eat." Who forgets to eat? Freaks of nature, that's who. These women are not to be trusted and, just to be safe, should be universally scorned until they learn that they are not wanted here.

But for most of us, no amount of collagen-enhanced lotion, Pilates classes, or miracle snake-oil will return our bodies to their rightful state. And that's okay. The rewards of motherhood far outweigh the cost of admission. I'm just saying....I'm not opposed to the idea of a post-natal stimulus package courtesy of the Almighty One to boost morale.

And other things.


EDP said...

"These women are not to be trusted and, just to be safe, should be universally scorned until they learn that they are not wanted here."

ROFL!!! Yes to ALL of this. Isn't it enough that my stomach will never be the same? Why did my breasts have to take a hit because I wanted to do my bit for the kids?

H F said...

These days my breasts and stomach are pretty much the same thing anyway.

EDP said...

Oh, don't I know it, sister.

Dirty Rob 36 said...

I appreciate your plight, but quite frankly I'm disappointed in your lack of faith in miracle snake-oil. For generations men and women alike have relied upon the natural healing powers of snake-oil and it's a shame that the FDA has decided to wage of war of misinformation and hate against this amazing tonic.

The Irredeemable Shag said...

I'd like to point out that some of us husbands went through sympathy pregnancies and haven't regained our girlish figures yet either.

The Irredeemable Shag

K T C said...

I am all for anti-gravity boobs! In the meantime, I will have to settle for industrial-strength, wide-band, iron plated, Scandahoovian-Viking-Woman style bras to hold mine up in place.